cover letter (journal entry, sunday 1:52 am)

sometimes when i am sitting here staring at a cover letter that is driving me insane at 1:52 am, i just get so angry and frustrated because i don't want to do this. i was smart enough to know what was best for myself. i wouldn't be in this position time and time again if i had just gotten to do what i planned. and i have to live with the regret. i am the one who has to reshape her life to fit something into my schedule that could have already fit in. it isn't really fair. every time i am in this very position i become overwhelmed, swallowed by regret and pain and fear and anger; discouraged and sad and lost, and how everything is just not right to the point that i am writing this right now. and for how many times i have had these thoughts swarming through my head, sending me into a craze, until i silence them. i pacify them with affirmations about how everything happens for a reason and that it will all work out: just put this aside and move forward, finish the letter, send it out, get the job, you'll settle and be happy. think of how many times i have had to hush these haunting horrors until they've returned, because they always do. they have before, they're here tonight, and they will resurface again. and each time i try to write a draft, the pain lodged in the depths of my throat like i've been shouting over loud music for hours without ever opening my mouth. this is an attempt to verbally embody what it feels like and why i feel so unsettled all the time, why i'm constantly so restless. i fear that this job will not quiet these feelings and fears, and if not, then what? but what else can i do but keep trying, keep moving forward, keep finishing the letter so i can send it out and get the job and be happy.